Posts
JOB OFFER! Looking for someone special who would kill my drummer for $100.00. Do not fear any negative consequences for this act. Any self respecting law enforcement agency would gladly turn the other cheek once they hear this guy “play”. I am tired of hearing his 70′s style fills put in the wrong spot and ending one half beat early or late depending on how much he’s had to drink. I am tired of him standing up behind his drums between songs and ripping his shirt off and flexing his muscles at wedding receptions where we were hired to play Air Supply, Carpenters , and Ann Murray songs because “chicks dig the pecs, dude”. I am tired of him showing up 20 minutes late for rehearsals then pouting until someone helps him load in his drums, then taking 30 minutes to set them up and needing a smoke break every 15 minutes, then wanting to leave early because”this chick is so fine, I can’t say no, and she knows record people dude, so it’s for the band.” I am totally done with him calling me up at midnight to play me some damned jazz fusion album from 1981, crying and saying how we shouldn’t have sold out to “the man”and asking if I know anyone who can get him some weed knowing full well I smoked twice in 69 and never touched it after that. I am sick of him farting on stage where the drum mics pick it up and thinking this shit is funny. I am tired of kicking off slow ballads at well under 80 bpm only to have them morph into the methamphetimine version of flight of the bumble bee, because that’s the tempo he “feels” it at. I am tired of having to carry jumper cables to the gig because “I must have left the dome light on again, dude” instead of admitting his 84 oldsmobile is a worn out piece of crap. I am tired of him asking when he’s gonna get a drum solo. I am tired of paying his tab at restaurants because “that chick must have stole my wallet man, but it was worth it ’cause she was a phreak”. I will not move my amp again so he can put another new cymbal on the stage, because “when we learn some fusion I’ll need this sound”………please somebody kill this mother****er. I can’t do it because he’s my brother and mom would be so pissed off even though she thinks the band would probably sound better too. Besides, if you are good at killing drummers, you could probably make a lot of money
Piano Recall
Yamaha has recalled 20,000 pianos due to a problem with the pedal sticking, causing pianists to play faster than they normally would, resulting in a dangerous number of accidentals. The sticky pedal also makes it harder for pianists to come to a full stop at the end of a piece making it extremely risky for audiences. Although there have been a tremendous number of accidentals, fortunately it has so far caused no deafs. Analysts are wondering if it will put a damper on their bass market, doubting whether they can sustain sales. Congress has called the President of Yamaha for questioning as to when the company first learned about the treble.
Fire Your Bass Player I’m a great pro bass player looking for a new band, and have a lot of experience playing in all kinds of bands. I don’t like to brag, but to be honest I’m the best bass player in Nashville. I am picky about the kind of music I play. I don’t like playing in original bands, because most of the players in those bands aren’t good enough to play covers, and I don’t like country because it’s for morons. I’ll play any style except reggae, ska, country, originals, classical, hip hop, rap, alternative, jazz, punk, new age, classic rock, or metal. I play current rock, and only current rock, even though most of it sucks, so I’m extremely particular about the kind of music I play. Think Nirvana meets Eric Clapton, with a touch of Motor Head thrown in (I know they’re not NEW, but that’s the style of music I prefer). If that is the kind of music you play, hit me up, otherwise don’t waste my time. I’m ready to play immediately. I just need a little help financially to get my bass out of the pawn shop, and it would be great if you can loan me a little for strings, just until we get paid from our first gig, and I’ll pay you back. I’m going through a messy divorce, but fortunately I get my kids part of the time, usually on the weekends. That won’t be a problem though, because I can get a babysitter if I have enough notice if a gig comes up. I don’t have a phone right now, but I’m planning to get a prepaid one as soon as I get a job. I’m staying with a friend right now and writing this on his computer, so you can contact me here. He says I can stay here one more month before I have to find a new place. I’m hoping to move back in with my Mom, but for some reason she’s not returning my calls. My car got repossessed recently, so it would be great if someone in the band can give me a ride and haul my bass, just until we get things going and we start making some serious money. My brother knows a guy whose sister is dating the ex-drummer of a band in Fargo,North Dakota that used to get some bookings from an agent in Detroit who cousin is the wife of a lawyer that who was hired to put together a deal for a band that almost got a contract with a big record company in Los Angeles before the deal fell through. Bottom line is, I’ve got great connections. Yes, I am in RECOVERY, and part of recovery is admitting you have a problem, but I haven’t had any significant relapses since my last stint in rehab, I only smoke a little 420, and only on the breaks, and I’m always careful nobody sees me in the parking lot. All other form of recreation wait until AFTER the gig! Besides, unlike some other bass players in Nashville that have on-going “issues” (you bass players know who you are) you know you can absolutely count on me staying sober and NOT HAVING A SUBSTANCE ABUSE OR ALCOHOL PROBLEM because my doctor says any of that stuff will interfere with the effectiveness of my medication. I’m ready to play, so if you want the best bass player in Nashville, hit me up!
Toscanini is conducting the New York Phil and there is a trumpet part that nobody can cut. They try and try but to no avail. Finally someone recommends a jazz trumpeter that lives in town that would be able to execute the part. Toscanini has a cow and states that he will NEVER hire ANY jazz musician as they are undependable, dress bad, have terrible attitudes, etc. etc. Finally, after numerous attempts he is forced to call the guy. The trumpeter walks in, sits down, pulls his axe out of a brown paper bag and looks up at Toscanini, nods and says, “How ya doin my man?” He then proceeds to execute the part perfectly to everyone’s amazement.
The next day is the dress rehearsal and the same thing happens…he shows up, pulls his horn out of a brown paper bag, looks up at Toscanini and says, “How ya doin my man?” 1st time through he nails the part again. Finally, after the rehearsal Toscanini approaches the guy and tells him he has to apologize for the negative attitude he has had towards jazz musicians. “I’ve always had terrible experiences with jazz musicians as they have been undependable and high or drunk, can’t count on them, they dress bad, etc. etc. BUT you have changed my opinion on the subject by being on time and executing the part to perfection and I thank you for that.” To which the jazz cat replies, “Hey man, thanks. I figured it’s the least I could do seeing as I can’t make the gig tomorrow